Auburn Jokes


PLEASE NOTE: This page is intended for fun ONLY! In fact, I actually pull for the Tigers when they aren't playing `Bama and any SEC team in the Bowl games!




An Auburn fan and an Alabama fan both go to Las Vegas to do a little gambling.

After a couple of hours the Alabama fan was broke. He looks over and sees the Auburn fan with a wheelbarrel full of quarters.

The Alabama fan walks over to him and says, "Wow, where did you win all that?"

To which the Auburn fan replies, "You see that machine on the wall over there? If you put a dollar in you get four quarters back every time!"

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Two Auburn Engineering students were tasked to measure the height of a flag pole as a class assignment. They decided to measure the flag pole outside of Legion Field at the south end of the stadium.

While attempting this task one student would hold the tape while the other climbed the flag pole with the other end of the tape. Much to their disappointment the student climbing the pole kept sliding down and could not get to the top.

An astute Alabama graduate was observing from a distance and suggested that the Auburn students disconnect the flag pole and measure the pole while on the ground.

The Auburn students enraged by the suggestion yelled out " We want to know how tall it is not how long it is you idiot".

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A guy goes into a bar and asks the bartender if he wants to hear a good Auburn joke. The bartender says, "Before you tell it, you should know that I am 6-2 and weigh 225 and I'm an Auburn fan.

See that guy at the end of the bar? He's 6-4 and weighs 250 and he's an Auburn fan, too.

And see the guy at the other end of the bar? He's 6-6 and weighs 280 and he's an Auburn fan, too!

Now, do you still want to tell your Auburn joke?"

The guy says, "Nah." To which the bartender smiles and says, "What's the matter? Are you chicken?"

The guy says, "Nah. I just don't want to have to explain it three times."

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An Alabama and an Auburn cheerleader where each late for breakfast at cheerleading camp so they had to eat cereal instead of a hot breakfast.

The Alabama cheerleader fixed her bowl of Cheerios and went to sit at a nearby table.

The Auburn cheerleader picked up the box and started to poor herself some, but suddenly stopped with a dumb look on her face.

The Alabama cheerleader asked her what was wrong, to which the Auburn cheerleader replied, "Nothing. I've just never seen doughnut seeds before!"

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Two boys are playing football in a vacant lot when one of the boys is attacked by a rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the first little boy rips a board off a nearby fence, wedges it down the dog's collar, and twists, breaking the dog's neck and killing him instantly.

A reporter, who happens to be strolling nearby, sees the incident and rushes over to interview the boy.

"That was the most incredible act of bravery I've ever seen!" the reporter exclaims. He whips out his notebook and furiously scribbles the headline: "Young Bama Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal!"

The little hero sees this and says, "But sir, I'm not a Bama Fan, I'm an Auburn Fan!" The reporter looks warily at the boy for a moment, then flips the page and begins a new headline: "Little Redneck Kills Beloved Family Pet!"

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There were three people being executed via electric chair for committing a serious crime. One was an Alabama graduate, one a Vanderbilt graduate, and the other, an Auburn graduate.

They were told that if they could survive, they could go free.

The Alabama guy sat in the electric chair, and the executioner asked, "Do you have any last words?" The Alabama guy said, "Yeah. Roll Tide!". The executioner pushed the button, but the Alabama guy survived so he got to go free.

The Vanderbilt guy sat in the electric chair, and the executioner asked him if he had any last words. He said, "Yeah. Go Vandy!" The executioner pushed the button, but the Vanderbilt guy survived so he got to go free.

The Auburn guy now went to the electric chair, and again the executioner asked, "Do you have any last words?" The Auburn guy said, "Yeah. Your electric chair is unplugged."

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Q: What do they put on the bottoms of Coke bottles at Auburn?
A: Please open other end.

Q: What do you call 47 football fans around a TV watching all the Bowl Games?
A: The Auburn Tigers.

Q: What do the Auburn Tigers and Billy Graham have in common?
A: They both can make 75,000 people stand up and yell "Jesus Christ".

Q: What do you call a Auburn player with a National Championship ring?
A: A thief.

Q: Why do Auburn Cheerleaders wear panties?
A: To keep their ankles warm.

Q: What do you call an Auburn grad wearing a suit and tie?
A: The defendant!

Q: Why can't Auburn's coach go on the internet?
A: He can't put 3 W's together.

Q: How many Tigers does it take to change a flat tire?
A: Just one...unless it's a blowout, then they all show up!

Q: If you have a car containing a Auburn wide receiver, a Auburn linebacker, and a Auburn defensive back, who is driving the car?
A: The cop.

Q: What does the average Auburn student get on their SAT's?
A: Drool.

Q: How many Auburn freshmen does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Zero, it is a sophomore course.

Q: Did you hear about the Aubies found frozen in a car at the drive-in movie in January?
A: They went to see "Closed for Winter".

Q: What do Auburn grads call Bama grads?
A: BOSS!

Q: How can you become a small-business owner in Alabama?
A: Get a large business and let a Auburn grad run it for you.

Q: What is the difference between the Moon and the Auburn Tigers?
A: The Moon knows how to control the Tide.

Q: What do the Auburn Tigers and a Sand Castle have in common?
A: They both look good until the TIDE ROLLS in.

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The Auburn football team was placed in a remedial English class. The professor asked the class, "Does anyone know what comes after a sentence?"

All of the players raised their hands. "The appeal," they shouted with Tiger pride!

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A guy goes on a recruiting trip to Auburn, sees a golden telephone, and asks what it's for, Gene says, "it's a direct link to heaven", guy says, "wow, can I use it?" , Gene says, "yeah, but it'll cost ya $50", guy says "nah, don't have any cash on me."

He goes on to Tennessee, and sees the same telephone, "hey, is that a direct link to heaven?" he says. Phil says, yeah, if you wanna use it, it'll cost ya $75." guys says, "nah, don't have any cash on me."

Next he visits Bama, and sees that SAME telephone, "hey, is that a direct link to heaven?" he says. Nick says "sure, go ahead and make a call, it's free", the recruit stands up confused and says "free? Gene said it cost $50 and Phil said $75...why is it free here?" Nick says, "well, my boy, here in Tuscaloosa it's a local call".

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A little boy runs up to his mother and says, "Mommy, mommy! I want to be a Auburn Tiger when I grow up!"

Mom answers, "My poor, poor confused child. Grow up & be a Tiger? You can't possibly do BOTH!"

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A Bama and a Auburn fan were driving in opposite directions one dark stormy night and they had a collision in the middile of the road.

Both of them survived and were very happy.

So, to celebrate the Bama fan said to the Auburn fan "lets have a drink" and he pulled a bottle of Jack from the trunk of his car.

He then poured the two a drink and said "lets put our differences behind us".

The Auburn fan drank up and then said "go ahead my friend" and the Bama fan said "no thanks I'll wait until the cops arrive".

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A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is an Auburn War Eagle fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they are Auburn fans too. Not really knowing what a War Eagle fan is, but wanting to be liked by their teacher, their hands fly into the air.

There is, however, one exception. Janet has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.

"Because I'm not an Auburn War Eagle fan" she reports.

"Then," asks the teacher, what are you?"

"I'm a Roll Tide fan" boasts the little girl. The teacher then asks Janet why she is a Alabama fan.

"Well, my Dad and Mom are Alabama fans, so I'm an Alabama fan too" she responds.

"That's no reason," the teacher says. "What if your Mom was a moron, and your dad was an idiot. What would you be then?"

Janet smiles and says, "Then I'd be an Auburn fan."

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One day a housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to his wife, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

"It depends," she replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"

He yelled back, "War Eagle."

"Hot water, five cups of bleach."

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Two Auburn fans returning from the Georgia game, needing gas. See a sign in Opelika that says free sex with fill-up. Whooee!!

Driver says, ahright, we filled up wars the sex? Attendant says, see here (fine print) you have to now guess a number between 1 and 10.

Driver says 4 !, attendant says naw its 6. Driver thinks.... and says you could've said it is was any number. Attendant says.. ok.. give it another try. Driver says 8...... Attendant says Nooo.. I told you it was 6.

Auburn fans drive away and the driver says.. I still think that thing is rigged.The passenger says " No it ain't. My wife won twice last week".

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During a close Iron Bowl game Shug Jordan pleaded with God that Auburn could finally beat 'Bama if he could just get one big play and wanted God to tell him the right play to call....

God said to call a timeout and give him time to think about the call so Jordan called timeout and waited for God's advice....

God spoke to him and said "tell Bo to run to the right" so he sent in the play and Bo ran to the right and was met head on by 6 'Bama defenders....

Jordan asked God, "God, why did you tell me to have Bo run to the right?"

God said hold on a second...."Bear, why did we have Bo run to the right?"

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Two fellows were having a beer at the bar during football season. One wearing an Auburn ball cap, the other wearing a UT ball cap.

Tennessee fellow asks "What does the word 'Auburn' stand for?"

Other fellow answers, "Alabama usually beats us red necks!"

Same fellow asks the other, "What does UT stand for?"

Tennessee fellow answers, "Us Too!"

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An Auburn grad was walking down the street, when his old college buddy pulled up in a brand new Porsche.

"Where the hell did you get a Porsche?", the grad asked in disbelief.

"Well," his buddy replied, "Last night I was at a bar and started dancing with this girl. When the bar closed, she motions for me to follow her.

We jump in her Porsche, and drive off into the mountains. She stops, jumps out of the car, takes off all her clothes, and tells me, "You can have anything you want". So I took the car."

"That was pretty smart", said the Auburn grad, "Seeing as how her clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."

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Two Auburn golfers hit nice drives down the middle of the fairway. When they arrived at their balls, the first one was getting ready to hit, and the second one said, "Wait, that's my ball."

The other said "No, it's mine. I'm playing a Titliest 1". The first one said "I'm playing a Titliest 1, also".

So they argued for a few minutes, and finally a Bama golfer was walking in the next fairway, and the auburn guys asked him to come over.

They explained what had happened and asked him to make the call and that they would go with whatever ruling he made.

So, the Bama golfer looks down at the two Titliest 1 golf balls, and then quickly ask, "Which one of you is playing the yellow ball?"

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A lady is looking to have some work done on her house, and calls a contractor to come out and give her an estimate. When he arrives, she notices that he is wearing an Alabama hat and she tells him that she met her husband at Alabama. They chat for a few minutes, and then he excuses himself for a moment, opens the front door and yells "green side up".

She is puzzled by this, but makes no mention. They walk through the house and she tells him the things she wants done. As they do this, every few minutes he excuses himself and goes to the front door to yell "green side up".

Finally, her curiosity gets the best of her, and she asks him what that's all about. "Well ma'am, I have some Auburn grads laying sod across the street."

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A guy named Joe receives a free ticket to the Iron Bowl from his company. Unfortunately, when Joe arrives at the stadium, he realizes his seat is in the last row in the upper deck. He is closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the field.

About halfway through the first quarter, Joe sees through his binoculars an empty seat 10 rows from the field right on the 50 yardline. He decides to take a chance and make his way through the stadium to the empty seat.

As he sits down, Joe asks the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?" The man says "No".

Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Joe again inquires of the man next to him, "This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the Auburn-Alabama game and not use it?!"

The man replies, "Well actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Iron Bowl we haven't been together at since we got married in 1960."

"Well, that's really sad," Joe said, "but still, you couldn't find anyone to take the seat? A friend or close relative?" "No," the man relied, They're all at the funeral!"


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